Derek Peeves

Hey guys, I gotta get this message off real fast; I think I'm onto something big here.

I couldn't mention this before because of a confidentiality clause, but I think I may be in serious danger, so to hell with it.
For the past few weeks I've been investigating a loose end that just won't unravel. It seems that somebody has been importing D-Grade pork into Nappy Cove. When I started this investigation, I was hoping for a cheesy exposé on how unhealthy pork is, but now it's bigger.... now I think that I've gotten the attention of the wrong people.... D-Grade pork? If I'm right, and I'm sure that I am, then there hasn't been such a hazardous material in Nappy Cove since the tainted coconut crop of '72. Someone has been making big money by selling what is known on the street as "Death-cap" pork, originally intended for incineration, to our schools, our hospitals, our new-age Jews. I've decided to take a stand, no matter what the price.


I followed a hunch last thursday night, and arrived at the Nappy Pier around midnight. There I found a high power R.I.B. with a couple of 200cc engines. It stank of pork. Bad pork. There was fat everywhere, and some unused pork too - evidently some of the pork was so foul that even these bastards couldn't find a use for it, so they left it behind, possibly in an attempt to destroy Nappy Cove's marine ecosystem. After I was finished vomiting, a cold realization came over me; that smell.....that horrible burnt-pork smell....the cook had already been made, and the pork was now ready to be sold. I collected some samples, took some photos and got out of there. Time is running out.


I was at the edge of the pier when I heard a noise; they hadn't all left yet. I'm no hero guys, I'm a reporter, so I hid. Whoever it was, they must have been locals, because they recognized my car, and I could hear their voices in the mist: "This is Peeves' car.... sticking his Jew nose where it doesn't belong!! "He" will have to hear about this". Needless to say, I'm not Jewish - in fact, it was my love of good pork that brought me to the pier that night. I could tell by the inflection in his voice that the "He" the man was referring to wasn't me, but rather his boss. I knew then that I have a chance to do something big here... not emmy big or golden globe big.....I' talking what Sheen does to Brando in Apocalypse Now big. I'm bringing this fucker down.


I think now that I've got all the data that I need - DNA testing was positive on a hair on a piece of pork fat. I couldn't believe it myself, but it's starting to make sense at last. Who else has the means, the will, the finance, and the contacts to pull off such a pork crime? I'm taking the evidence I have , and I'm going to the police.

Wish me luck,

D.



P.S. I posted a picture of some of what I found on this site. It's not pretty. I couldn't bring myself to show you the worst photos, as children may be on this site.