Ashi Khan

Ashi Khan is not a violent man. When I left Multan to seek fortune in this foreign land I knew that there would be many would try to undercut me at every turn. But no more! Allah and God be praised!!

I must proclaimed faithfully my innocence in this latest Pork scandel-mongering. I am no crooked-Annie! All the Delhi Deli products are 100% best quality. I believe what we eat in this world shall sustain us through the next life. Because of this philosophy I only serve food items of superior standards!

Now Mr. Roth, the kitaab is on your page!!

Charlie Whippet

'allo 'allo' allo! Oi'm Charlie Whippet, the local Postie! Oi'meant to gerr'on this thing sooner but oi ditn't 'ave no time sir. An' then wiv all this talk ah missin' tapes an' me not deliv'rin 'em oi said I'd better set things straight. Oi got them there tapes to Olivia an' I can say as sure as an'thing that they wer real. So that's that!

Now the nex' thing I wanna say is that there's bin a lota strange packages comin' through the Office the last few weeks. Real strange... Like this wan that 'ad a big 'D' stamped on it goin' to wan of the local pork shops (though I can't say which wan coz oi I endin' up like that Peeves fellow!)Oi sed it ter Olivia tho so s'pose she'll sort it all owt.

Right-oh me loveys, oi gotta go. Parcels need a-deliverin'.

Father Jack Stapleton

Good evening.

I see that the number of entries to this blog have dropped in the wake of the recent tragedies. It would seem that many of the townsfolk are afraid that taking part in this social experiment could see them ending up like the late Mr. Peeves. However, I must insist that we, as a community, continue with our updates. We cannot give in to fear and allow it to stop us leading normal lives. We must be brave if we are to have any hope of combating these murderous unsavouries.

Now; some of the more eagle-eyed readers may notice that I mentioned 'tragedies' in the opening of this blog.

This is not a mistake on my part.



It is with a heavy heart that I must tell you all that Mr. William (Bill) Squits has passed away after being found savagely beaten in Swanson's Park. He was found yesterday evening by Professor Brane who was in the park testing out his new device to turn leaves into sponges whn he made the discovery. Suffice to say he'll be having nightmares for a week. A police investigation is underway but as of yet they have no leads. Bill is survived by his wife Miriam and our thoughts are with her at this trying time.

Fr. Jack

Olivia Neutongaye

Dear proud townspeople of Nappy Cove,

My name is Olivia Neutongay, and I'm the wife of our well respected hero policeman, Partario Neutongaye. My apologies for not entering this glittering foray into the world of technology earlier, but my job doesn't present me with a lot of opportunities for leisure activity...

You see, I, like my husband, am a police officer.

An underpaid, overworked, female police officer. In fact I finally find the time to write this blog because the changeover between my cleaning of the police station kitchen and the beginning a day of paperwork didn't dovetail as perfectly as they normally would. However I won't let this blog become a forum to air my grievances at the nature of my profession and the hierarchy within it.

The matter of justice is at hand.

As we all are sad to have heard, the tragic death of Mr. Derek Peeves, the local journalist occurred recently. And while state autopsies and the grievances of his family are still ongoing, we must look at his death in the cold hard light of the police force. Its not hard to spot the suspicious nature of his death, and it goes without saying that his demise came about from the facts his journalistic endeavours uncovered.

These discoveries have been the subject of much blogging recently, as have been the question of the tapes he made with Fr. Stapleton before his death. Well I can now confirm that the tapes made by Peeves and Stapleton are in police custody. My custody in fact. Rumours persisted that the tapes had been lost after they had not reached my husband Partario. The truth of the matter is that our young and foolhardy postmaster, Charlie Whippet, mistakenly delivered them to me.

These rumours of missing and fake tapes must desist and I will not have the name of the good and pious Fr. Stapleton tarnished. And make no mistake, the files will be re-opened on the Pixie Vaccine Incident. Nothing will stand in the way of justice.

But why did I not come forward before now you ask? The answer is simply that which I stated above. Though my profession is policing, my gender holds me back at almost every step, and the imposed duties of my gender at the Nappy Cove Police Headquarters (N.C.P.H.) denied me the time to speak out. But now things will have to change. I've been the woman behind the policemen in Nappy Cove for years, and now credit will be given where credit is due.

You can expect more from me in blogs to come. Justice will be served.

Yours in policing,

Officer Olivia Partridge Neurongaye

Dr. Orange Squamish

I must apologize for this troubled soul. He has clearly gone beyond all rational sensibility...I am afraid that I may have to seek an intervention in the case of Simple Jack.... perhaps testicular shock n' stab therapy will do the trick... who knows. And that Pixie fiasco was a set up; I was a patsy I tell you all! A PATSY!

Now, Jack can squawk and squawk, but Squamish won't blink. I was voted most likely to die alone in college, so lets just say SQAMISH CAN PLAY. Hard.



Bring it on Jacky boy, I've got the F.D.A. behind me. Who are they, you may ask? The Federal Doctors Association. 'Nuff said.



You won't get away with tarnishing my name Jack; I'll see you in hell (from heaven).


D. O.S.

Fr. Jack Stapleton

I am not the sort of man to get into a slanging match. Neither am I going to confirm nor deny any of the accusations made by the 'doctor'. However, I will say this: it's not so long ago 'doctor' that the terrible eye of public scrutiny was resting squarely on you. Shall any of us forget the Pixie Vaccine Scandel of '06??


This most recent attempt to tarnish my reputation and discredit my story has the underlying feel of a man who has sold his soul.
How many gold pieces did it take Squamish??

How much to say these things and try to turn the whole town against me? A man has died. And you're preventing justice from prevailing. Thankfully the tapes I mentioned before do exist and shall hopefully help the police in apprehending the villains in this case, and shall absolve me from any doubt.

The same cannot be said for the 'good' doctor....




"And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts, And I looked and behold: a pale horse. And his name, that sat on him, was Death. And Hell followed with him."

Dr. Orange Squamish

Hello all,


I feel that, considering what has been happening in Nappy Cove, that there is an open secret that we have all been keeping that can go on no longer. Please understand that the lie that we live everyday serves only to keep a troubled man happy. I have been following this blog with interest, and since no-one else has said anything, I think it is up to me.

I would not be taking this action were it not for the recent post of "Father" Jack Stapleton, but considering the lucid and shocking nature of the post, the time has come to clarify something serious. You see, Jack Stapleton not a "Father" at all.



"Simple Jack" as he was once lovingly called, is a man with the intelligence of an intel pentium II processor. His childish smile and unusual love of baking trays encouraged the entire town to keep Simple Jack close to our hearts. In his early thirtys, however, Simple Jack turned a violent man. Rambling that he name was Paul, asking everyone he knew about the sun and the rain, as well as displaying a competent knowledge of the German banking system. Then there was what we call in the business "the quickening". He used to punch any child he saw. ANY child; tv, photographs, real children. Most disturbingly, when he thought of a child he would punch his own head in a vicious blood frenzy. Then one day, he appeared wearing a vicar's collar, and claimed to be "Father" Jack Stapleton. He was calm, friendly, helpful, even more aware of his surroundings than usual. So, we.... we pretended. It hurt no-one to do so, and it made Simple Jack so happy to go around "priesting", as he used to call it..


I needed to tell you this because of Jack's recent blog entry. He did not know the late Mr. Peeves. This post shows a return to the delusions that haunted Jack for so much of his life. The complex story of tapes and secret meetings is pure fantasy-the police chief spoke to me about this, and he knows nothing about any tape. I am afraid the story of the deathly pork will have to wait a little longer to be told.....although I must say, the nature of Jack's blog is unlike any of his other ramblings; it is too clear and plausible.... maybe there is no tape, maybe there is; could it be that Derek Peeves trusted the one man that no-one would ever think of questioning?

Yours,

Dr. Squamish



P.S. Jack, if you are reading this, I'm sorry. Although you will never understand, I had to do what I did today. Please forgive me.

Plex Rominus

I am like, soooooooo sick of my stoooopid mother!! I mean, since they found that guy dead she's been like, totally off the reservation. It's like, " G'uh! Get over it! You didn't even know him!" but she's just like, crying all the time and won't talk or anything. Jeez being old must suck!

Ewwwww like, what the hell is she on about?!? She's probably still upset about the jamboree and what happened with that Mrs. Squits. They got in some row about flowers or something sad like that and Squits' husband had to break the too of them up. And then it was seriously weird cause he called round the other day and left a load of suitcases in te hall. Mom's probably borrowing them to go on one of stooopid business trips or something.

Oh, and if Stacy Dignam (the SLUT!!!!!!!!1!!!) is watching then stay away from Sean Murphy!! He's mine bitch!!!

Fr. Jack Stapleton

Now I'm not going to beat around the bush and expand on the details of Mr. Peeves tragic death. Suffice to say that I am truely shocked that someone living among us, in this quiet little town, could have the capacity for such evil. Someone who has integrated themselves seemlessly into the very fabric of our community. Someone we have all come to trust and look upon as a pillar of our locality. However, this is unfortunately a cold, hard fact which we must come to terms with. If this weeks events have taught us anything, it is that no matter how genial an appearance we may be presented with, there may be something sinister lurking underneath. Vigilence is crucial.

Derek Peeves knew this. And I believe that is why he had the good sense and fore-sight to come to me and tell me everything he knew about the recent D-grade pork scandel before his untimely demise.

I remember when he arrived at my doorstep, he was not the same man he had been when I first met him. He looked thin; pale; worn out and, from the way he spoke, he seemed resigned to the fact that this shocking piece of investigatory journalism, would most likely be his last. He knew the risks in taking on those high up in the pork trade, and he was willing to pay the price. A hero he was. And a hero he shall remain.

For you see, I made taped recordings of our conversation that night, and even as I type this latest entry, they are on their way to the police station in the hands of our local Post Master, Charlie Whippet, who will see them safely into the possession of Officer Neutongaye. At last this whole sordid D-grade pork scandel can come to an end and Derek Peeves, Champion of Nappy Cove can be avenged and his killer put away.

For too long we've all had the wool pulled over our eyes by this silver-tongued devil. Too long has his sub-standard pork filled our bellies unbeknownst to us.

No longer I say.


R.I.P Derek Peeves






Oh and also, before I forget, the winners of the raffle from last weeks fair can collect their prizes between the hours of 3pm and 5pm from the parochial house.

Fr. Jack Stapleton.

Hyman Roth

Sweet lord...murder in Nappy Cove.

I want to be the first to offer my sympathies to the late Mr. Peeves, tragic to be cut down in the prime of life. Stupid thugs. People behaving like that with guns.

I know there has been some aggravation over recent accusations but I want to make it clear I bore him no ill will. Furthermore I hope Officer Neutongaye will uncover the truth of this..terrible tragedy.

Dear god.. Someone put a bullet through his eye.. No one knows who gave the order. When I heard it, I wasn't angry; I knew Peeves, I knew he was head-strong, talking loud, saying stupid things. So when he turned up dead, I let it go. And I said to myself, this is the business we've chosen; I didn't ask who gave the order, because it had nothing to do with business.

Although I do not share his politics I must echo the sentiments of Mr. Dignam, its hard to know this town anymore. Maybe I'm too old now, but I have always had the dream of living my twilight years as an old Jew in Israel, right on the coast of the Mediterranean.

But I don't think my wife would go with me, she wont do anything with me anymore, she refused to even bear my child after her miscarriage. I don't know where it has all gone wrong.

Look at me I'm rambling. Good night to you all.

Hyman Roth

http://www.youtube.com/v/Tk6DPq2_c2M

Johnny "Blind Man" Biaggio

Good evening, my name is Johnny Biaggio, but you may call me "Blind Man". I have come to Nappy Cove on a short business trip, so this will be the first of (hopefully) not too many blogs. I like to do business, quietly, and leave. The world is an unusual place, and I believe that you must fulfill your responsibilities, no matter where they lead you, while making sure that you leave when your task is done. Now, I have always been taught that it is a sin of pride to go on about yourself in front of others, however I feel that it is only polite to tell you about myself. I am a molasses man. I don't want to say where I am from, because, frankly, it is irrelevant. I am in Nappy Cove investigating a very important prospect. That particular assignment I have set myself is important to me, so I am afraid I am once again going to, how do you say, play things close to my chest. Now, if it is hard to describe to you what I do, but it is nearly impossible for me to explain to you who I am... you see...... I have a competition in me. I want no one else to succeed. I hate most people. There are times when I look at people and I see nothing worth liking. I want to earn enough money that I can get away from everyone. I see the worst in people, you see? I don't need to look past seeing them to get all I need. I've built my hatreds up over the years, little by little.... now, I can't keep doing this on my own with these... people. And over the last few days I have become more alone than ever.

I am sorry, I have said too much.


B.M.

Alan Dignam

Hello readers,

I feel I speak for the whole town when I express our shock and horror at what has been emerging over the last few weeks. Bad pork? Murders? This is not the Nappy Cove I know.. when did it all change?
My god, murderers walking amongst us, has it come to this? Nappy Cove is not a big town, I know we lose sight of that from time to time but really it is not, we know all people living here, we even get to know the guests when they come to stay. And we have resorted to killing each other, over pork?
Mr. Peeves did not have any family that I am aware of though he spoke sometimes about a brother who had served in El Salvador. Derek Peeves was a hero, and spent his life saving us from the dangers we never knew, from the shattering milk bottle debacle of '91 right up to this the pork scandal.
We have to ask ourselves how we treat those that look after us, do we treat them with respect and honour? Do we take a pride in ourselves enough to repel this gangsterism? Because let me say that if the answers to this are no then we are all of us fit to be bound and killed.
And maybe that's the way it goes. Just look at NappyNews.. People don't want a hero, they want to eat cheeseburgers, play the lotto and watch television.

But enough of that for now, we should remain respectful to the memory of our fallen friend and hope to wipe clean the great cleft of shame in this here Nappy.

Friends and neighbours we will weather this storm, there is a third way. We need strong leadership and unwavering support from you. And when these things begin to come to pass, then look up, and lift up your heads, for your redemption draws near.

Alan Dignam

Officer Partario Neutongaye

There have been no entries on this blog for a while and with good reason, as the town officer I feel it is my duty to speak first.
Most of you will by now know that the town reporter Derek Peeves was murdered at his home several days ago. I personally made the grisly discovery as we had arranged that I check on him early each morning in light of the threats received.

There are rumours circulating that Mr. Peeves was strung up like a hog on his own kitchen table, hand and legs tied, with a juicy red apple in his mouth. I have decided not to comment on these rumours as it may provoke unsubstantiated action by the public against the purveyors of pork in this town.
But I will say this, what happened in there wasn't pretty, there was clearly a struggle, Derek was beaten, raped, and then strung up like a fucking hog.

Investigations are ongoing but I would appeal for anybody that saw something strange on Begonia Row over the night of Thursday the 27Th to please come forward. It is likely that the attacker was a large man, and may have been wielding a corrugated iron bin lid.
My wife Olivia (also a police officer for those unfamiliar with our town) will be tidying the station all day and will be available to take calls.

We ask for calm and help during these dark and shocking times.
Partario